Private Tutoring: Using the Force

H: So I’m waiting there for like, ten, twelve minutes.

J: The Grace Period.

H: Right, and so it comes to the point where I gotta text this kid.

J: SOP.

H: Yeah, but I’m only eighty percent sure I didn’t fuck it up and put the date in my calendar wrong. I mean, a Saturday meeting is a little unusual.

J: Sure. Saturday is never the day for school, or what would Sunday be for?

H: And what I wanna say is “What’s the hold up?” but I have to spend a solid three minutes just thinking how to word this SMS so it makes him feel a little bad if he’s late, but doesn’t make me look like a jackass if we had said Sunday.

J: The Lord’s Day.

H: Something like “We are scheduled to meet today, right?”

J: Seems to hit the nail on the head.

H: But it doesn’t, and here’s where I start stressing. Cause this’ll be the second time a last-minute cancellation has been called in by this kid, and it really does suck cause I can’t use that time for other students.

J: Not to mention the fact that you’ve already given up like 40 minutes of your time just showing up and waiting, and commuting back home.

H: Right. I need to make this kid realize that he’s on the hook for the bill next time I show up, whether he gets tutored or not.

J: I see your problem.

H: ‘We are scheduled to meet today, right?’ Gives him an out.

J: Yeah.

H: He’ll just say ‘No, dumbass’ and there’s nothing I can do. No recourse. He get’s off scot free. It’s evasion!

J: I suppose if he’s a total jerk-face he might say that, but—

H: I need him to be the one who calls me on my mistake, if indeed I have made one, so I know it’s legit. That he’s not just blaming me cause it’s cheaper.

J: I understand, still I think a little benefit of the doubt on your part won’t hurt the business too bad.

H: Yeah maybe, but now I’m hovering over my little phone, trying to walk some line that doesn’t exist between polite and accusatory, so that he won’t be offended if I fucked up, but won’t be able to weasel out either. It feels like the right syntax and semantics are out there in the English language ether, but I can’t get them into a 160 character text.

J: I have a solution.

H: Yeah?

J: Turn down the give-a-shit. Just get a coffee, call it a necessary evil of your profession that sometimes you bike to places for no reason.

H: Is it really necessary?

J: Sure. Part of the overhead.

H: Okay.

J: Okay.

…

H: Wanna hear my idea?

J: You bet.

H: So first we assume that in fact, there is no ideal text out there, that gets this point across.

J: I take it you never thought of it.

H: Yeah. So, instead I merely alter my tutoring to fit a new price scheme. He owes me double for missing the last one, right? So I just tutor half as effectively this time.

J: A little passive-aggressive. What are you going to change? Some of your math is incorrect now?

H: No no, I couldn’t totally backstab the kid. I’m still tutoring as usual, giving useful tips and helping to catch errors and so on, but I’m a little slower.

J: Inserting ums, let’s-double-checks, and such.

H: Just enough to make him need more tutoring.

J: I agree, in theory, he’d have to double the number of appointments, and so you’re income would double too—

H: Exactly.

J: But wouldn’t the number of missed appointments likely go up as well?

H: Sure, and that sucks, but at least I’m making as much money as I really should.

J: Seems to me there’s a more likely outcome than him doubling up on the tutoring.

H: What?

J: He could fire his now-shitty tutor, who talks at half-human speed or whatever you’re doing, and get someone else.

…

H: That does seem like an awfully reasonable response.

J: It was a good plan, Henry. Except for all the manipulation and over-thinking, I really liked it.

H: Okay, what if instead, I just start showing up late.

J: I’d still fire you.

H: Double my rates?

J: Canned.

H: Jump him?

J: Have you arrested.

H: This is going downhill.

J: Like I said, it’s in the overhead.

H: I’m at the mercy of my clients.

J: The sad truth I’m afraid.

H: How devastating.

…

J: Okay, there is one thing you could try.

H: My ears are wide open.

J: I don’t like it.

H: I don’t care.

J: It’s dishonest.

H: Fine.

J: It’s a little high-risk.

H: Lay it on me, brother.

…

J: Okay. So you gotta raise your rates somehow, right? Either by changing the scheduling, or payout, the point is right now, you’re effectively getting paid half-time.

H: This is what I’m sayin.

J: So here’s how you raise your price, without him feeling ripped off.

H: (Leaning in close, eagerly awaiting.)

J: (Looks left, then right, then at Henry. Raises his eyebrows as if to say ‘Can you handle this?’)

H: (Nods vigorously)

J: You let him in on the ultra secret, very ancient, and supremely efficient field of mathematics, that all mathematicians have taken an oath never to share with the masses.

H: Huh?

J: You tell him, it’ll ultimately save him years in computation time, and probably make him an impressive fortune if he can use this coveted knowledge to his benefit, but it will take time to learn.

H: (Not getting it yet)

J: You tell him that many promising young students have tried to assimilate this information, and that nearly all fail miserably in their quest for these deeply hidden mysteries, but that you see a certain spark in him, a sign that he might be among those who have the potential.

H: Ooh… like the Jedi.

J: But of course, he’ll need your help.

H: Yes… yes…

J: You can become his mentor, can show him this life-changing truth of the universe, but…

H: It’ll cost ya.

J: Bingo. All you have to do, is generate an entirely new and complex field of mathematics—

H: In all likelihood erroneous and pointless in the end—

J: and keep the charade going long enough to collect.

H: (Thinking it over.) I like it.

J: (Exasperated.) You gotta be kidding me.

H: No! This is totally viable!

J: It’s like your give-a-shit dial is jammed at 11.

H: I’ve been thinking for a while that maybe there’s another superset of numbers beyond even the imaginary ones.

J: Stop it.

H: Numbers with infinite dimension!

J: I don’t think I can recommend you as a tutor in good conscience anymore.

H: Yeah, people love the word infinity. That’s a total hook.

J: In fact, I feel duty-bound to Flag your posts on Craigslist.

H: Corey, your thirteen year-old ass is mine.

…

J: He’s thirteen?

H: Yeah, little punk.

J: Dude, just tell on him. Call his mom.

H: (In disbelief.) Nah man, that’s fucked up. Corey trusts me.

J: I can tell why.